| finally broke free |
[21 Jul 2009|12:08pm] |
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I left Joel yesterday.
Well technically the night before.
That morning he he was acting his usual self and throwing things around, so i moved my laptop away from him (he smashed the last one by punching it during a fight) he grabbed my arm and twisted it behind my back then bent my fingers backwards.
That night we were fighting, he had said something about a bdsm shoot i had where a videographer wouldnt listen to the safe word and ended up hurting me. i had begged joel to come with me because i had a bad vibe about the guy but he was too busy trying to make money to cop so i went alone. the guy kept fondling me while i was gagged and tied up, i had made it clear he was not to do that beforehand, and in the last scene he was standing above me dripping wax on my chest (from a taper mind you, the wrong kind for wax play) and it hurt really bad, i was crying and i must have said the safe word about ten times but he kept rolling the tape and didn't stop for another five minutes. i had marks on my chest from the burns for a week. he got it all on tape. i had already signed the release and at that point i just wanted my money so i could buy dope and forget.
joel was telling me it was my fault i got violated because i shouldn't have gone.
anyways i flicked water in his face because he called me a whore and he kicked me over a wooden chair in the living room. i have a huge bruise on my knee from hitting a chair and it broke the skin, pictures later. then he turned the tv up all the way and i went and turned it off, he kind of pushed me to the door by getting in my face and bumping me with his chest, then he pushed me against the wall and tripped me so i fell back against the futon. i grabbed a hammer off the bookshelf and ran into seans room and told him i was calling the police. sean said not to but that he would take me to his friends house for the night, so we went.
the whole time the physical altercation was going on, adam (natassias boyfriend) was sitting on the couch staring at the wall. i fucking hate him. i'm sorry tassia but adam is a piece of shit. i still love you but your boyfriend can choke on a cock.
yesterday i came back and packed up all my stuff, the whole time joel was calling me a drama queen and telling me how stupid i was being and that i was making a fool out of myself and everyone knew i was making it all up. he told me that adam was on his side, i have not spoken to adam but i wouldn't be suprised if that spineless sack of shit was taking his side. me and adam have never been friends, and he's the opposite of confrontational.
i have enough scars on my body and enough witnesses to know that i'm not making this all up. the neighbors have come up to me on multiple occasions to tell me i should get help and that they hear him screaming at me and throwing me around, breaking down doors, they hear me crying out when he hurts me, they hear me crying in general. my stepdad was in the car once while we were arguing and joel slammed his seat back on me while i was in the backseat as hard as he could. my mom has heard him on the phone screaming and kicking the door of the bathroom as i had locked myself in to hide from him. makeup artists ask me about the bruises on my face, photographers ask me about the fingernail marks and bruises on my arms and legs, i tell them i fell down when i was drunk, that my pet rat scratched me, we all laugh.
i am not fucking crazy. and i am not making this up. i dont care what army he builds against me and how many of my former friends he gets on his side, he is a manipulator and this is textbook physical and emotional abuse.
my mom helped me bring my stuff out to the car. i'm staying at her house until i can find my own place.
i get text messages like "everyone knows you're being a drama queen and no one cares." he tells me he's getting an apartment with sean and that "no one believes you." he tells me everyone is mad at me for "lying to them."
i'm not fucking crazy, i know what happened, and i don't care if no one in the world believes me, i know what happened, i have scars on my body, and if it's not proof to anyone else it is proof to me.
i'm going to look for a place in town. it will be hard because in addition to moving on from the relationship i also have to move on from my so-called friends that he has turned against me, or so he says. he's like a fucking cult leader, all charisma and no soul.
my mom is going to help me go back to school. i am just going to focus on doing things for myself. getting my license, getting a job, my EMT course, going to nursing school, my website, my modeling. I don't need to make new friends right now, because i don't even like myself.
i don't know who to trust because joel tells me everyone is on his side, and from what adam did (rather didn't do) it kind of makes me believe him. i need to find real friends. all my life i have done everything for the people i care about and just been used in return, in the past few years i have become less friendly as a result of it, and i have stopped caring about my friends, even possibly the ones who were real.
i need support, but i know it would be unrealistic to expect it, so i am going to try to be strong.
after a barrage of messages from him this morning telling me how everyone is on his side and they all are extremely angry with me i went up to my moms room and found her utility blades. my mom does woodworking. i ran a bath downstairs and opened the package, lined them up in a row on the side of the tub. then i went out to smoke a cigarette. i passed by hay nuggits cage and she jumped up to look at me, i stuck my finger in the cage and she rubbed her head against it. i don't want to die because i love my rat. that is honestly all i can think of right now.
not sure what else to say. i know you are all wary to congratulate me because i have said i was leaving a couple of times, but this time i actually left. and i refuse to go back. i would rather die, because if i go back to him i'd just be killing myself slowly.
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[11 May 2009|02:15am] |
cant deaal with getting beat up every other night and being told how worthless i am. i like my apartment and my stuff but i guess i have to leave. traveling again. guess i cant take my college course, that sucks, but i cant deal with joel anymore. i dont want to be scared in my own home.
if anyone wants to meet up anywhere let me know, im making my way out to sf and then portland, or.
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[04 May 2009|01:10pm] |
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xander - in nyc. bus was late... sorry!!! i'm wandering around. hope you're still here. i'll check abc no rio i guess. calllll me.
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[28 Apr 2009|10:58pm] |
let me whittle that down since no one is going to read it.
i am really lonely. i deserve it. i am incapable of connecting to people in meaningful ways. i am pathetic. i realize that i don't have any friends anymore. i sincerely dislike myself.
don't any of you fucking dare lie to me and tell me i'm wrong for believing that.
first one to tell the truth gets my respect.
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[28 Apr 2009|09:47pm] |
"i really believe that in spite of all the separation and pain and distance theres still something that holds our little band of misfits together, something that lies dormant for a long time and then when the time is right suddenly comes back to life when things start aligning again"
if only.
i am in cane hill arkansas visiting my dad.
was just in tennessee working with collin j rae, ej holmes, john donnegan. had a good time.
going to nyc / jersey when i get back from here to see xander. happy but know it will cause problems which makes me unhappy and makes me want to say fuck everything and go off on my own where i will have no one to report to and i can have the friends i want to have. why is my relationship so important to me when i know it is holding me back in so many ways? why can't i make the decision i know i should / have to make? can i even call what me and joel have love and keep a straight face? co-dependency. death. depravity.
money is stressing me out.
thinking about stripping but joel will freak out. then again he has no job and thus no right to criticize how i choose to pay his bills.
more later.
love.
and now it is later.
i sometimes, often, and right now wish that i could understand appreciate comprehend and hold onto my silence. hold hands and walk around running thumbs over knuckles and tracing heart lines and making sure to keep our breathing in sync and our foot falls falling at the same exact time and looking at the sky through prismatic eyelashes and watching floaters float over the surface of my iris es pecially now and tonight and back then in the backyard with the guitars and the fire and the white bucket seats and the spiders and the sidelong glances and the insecurities. always so embarassed, clawing at my thighs grabbing big handfulls and chewing my tongue like candy just keep your mouth shut and it won't trickle out hysterics. and it's as if i always have to push it and break the quiet like some kind of film over the water spewing forth all kinds of brackish ness lest i just enjoy the moment.......
you know what makes me sick? how everything thats perfect or at least a little bit nice or even just okay in my life gets corrupted after the fact and my memories twist unto themselves and vomit out the truth so it's plain to see it for how fucking ugly it all was. because the same smile that made my lip catch on my teeth so freely cuts trenches into the corners of my mouth when it snapped back so quickly and i prayed that no one had seen that i actually bought it... i was just lying the whole time looking into some adjacent mirror when directly ahead i'm bleeding onto the glass. and ''everyone'' traces lines like writing on the bathroom walls about who you think are your friends are not even at all and laughter and hands hitting the stall as i cry like a bad actress in an even worse plaything thinking about broken windows with flowing in nightshade and black walls with breathing red silk and some enigmatic band of light or some other element and my transplanted hair tacked to the wall in haste and intent on forgetting. and lizs necklace and ceecees that she made with her teeth and my dress that was stained with peppers tiny red hands and drops of hair bleach all left behind with hopes of coming back to where i was never even welcome. and it's so fucking funny to everyone but me. i hate myself for believing, for sitting out in the sun and thinking for once it was actually resting on me instead of just scattering through the leaves to light the dirt beneath her. i feel like whosever next wants to hold my hand should use it to cross my heart and hope that i never believe again.....
i'm so tired of planning and thinking and analysing and worrying and paying my dues to whomever and paying rent on some place that makes me cry and reporting reporting and following rules. i want to lay in the grass with my hands in my hair and my feet bare and my eyes open and the light reflecting shards of sky on your skin and no one has to say a fucking word again and everything can just move ahead in silence.
fuck.
everything is a dissapointment. and i'm counting the days. when do i stop trying i hope it is soon because this cycle of expectations and let-downs and the necessity of truth that seems so unreasonable is putting lines in my skin.
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[13 Mar 2009|02:31am] |
so ive decided to tell my 'partner' to fuck off and make my own website.
this will cause a delay, but the result will be a FAR more proffessional looking website.
and it means i get to do it my way, and like they say if you want something done right.....
ask me to do it because i know what the fuck i'm doing.
if anyone wants to help and or have an official position where you share profits let me know. im looking at having the following positions be filled:
my responsibilities = face of the website / creative director. i write the content, i make the rules, i own the site, i ammainly in charge of promotion, i have the final say on who models, etc. basically everything im doing now with rueben and not getting payed for. lol.
i need the following people:
art director - someone who is good at art. duh. to make banners, site graphics, etc. i will give you a percentage of the profits. duh.
staff photographers - all you have to do is take pictures of models who live near you and send me the sets. again, i will pay you. i'll also give you a page on the site where you can display your photography, link to your blogs, have a profile, etc etc.
models - duh. you get paid alot.
street team - i'm gonna have a street team.
i am going to do this alot faster than my dumbass ex-partner did. i am going to the bank tomorrow and transferring the funds i need to buy a domain. i am setting this shit up as soon as fucking possible. this is going to work because i am going to make it work. just you wait and see.
so sorry to look like im being indecisive but this is where shit really starts rolling.
now i need to go to bed.
peace.
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[08 Mar 2009|09:29pm] |
so i realised that money is my new addiction
of all fucking things
money
really?
how dissapointing
i am ashamed
and i miss a certain boy who rides bicycles and likes to go on adventures
and break the law
and breaking the law with him
and keeping score
and drinking stolen orange juice
with dirty hands and broken
smiles
he doesn't think about money
why do i?
because i am a dissapointment
and am not worth mentioning
and am not worth caring
about him
where are my friends
well i am right here
and don't ask me questions
just hold my fucking hand
please
hey girls i know - model for my website please, so i dont have to worry about finding models so much. i love you and i will not let you get fucked over and i will help you make a ton of money so you can be addicted too.
http://www.sinfulheavenlygirls.com
lysi@sinfulheavenlygirls.com
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[05 Mar 2009|02:03pm] |
....okay so the site is finally up, kinda. my gallery needs to get set up by the billing company but as soon as that happens people will start buying things and money will start coming in (to me, suckas.)
now i need some other ladies to roll in the cash with me. and if anyone could help me promote that would be really cool.
i also need someone to help me make a banner, because i dont have photoshop :( if you make me one i will trade you a link and make you one when i get a copy of ps. actually, if anyone wants to trade links that would be awesome.
fyi - i did not make that layout, lol. it will get better, again, once i get photoshop and can contribute graphics to my partner who does the webmastering. I just wrote everything.
check out the FAQ
ummm. so yeah. besides that shit I've been getting pretty heavy into modeling recently. I have a shoot with Dastardly Dave tomorrow in manchester and the day after that I am shooting with Jeff Mcalister in boston.
My boyfriend fucking sucks but i cant do anything about it right now because he wont leave. i have to get to a financial situation where i can get away from him and actually have more than what will fit in my backpack.
i cant reallly write because hes pacing back and forth bitching at me right now.
more later.
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[25 Jan 2009|03:30pm] |
This is what I'm working on, and part of the reason I have seemingly ceased to exist:
"Sinful Heavenly Girls is an adult alternative website featuring a different kind of model and a unique class of women. SHG strives to push the limits and the boundaries of societal beauty standards and to break out of the constraining box that women and their sexuality have been placed in for so many years. First and foremost the object of this website is not to exploit the female body by any means, but to respectfully celebrate the inimitable beauty that lies within each individual woman. We seek to empower all women and give them back the control and the responsibility over their role as human beings with respect to their sensuality. To redefine the public representation and the image of their own sexual nature. Secondly, SHG fully intends to uphold the rights for all women to explore the boundaries of their sexuality without having to be subjected to any form of objectification, opression, or harassment. Thirdly, SinfulHeavenlyGirls.com seeks to enable women to use this website as an outlet for creative self expression without having to worry about the illegal use or distribution of their media. Finally, SHG will not be represented as an explicit, lewd, extreme, or hardcore adult website. All media displayed will be in a tasteful, artistic manner; and the individual model has full control over how she is represented during her collaboration and involvement with SinfulHeavenlyGirls.com." ~ Me (duh)
I didn't pick the domain name, or the layout, nor am i the webmaster. According to my partner Reuben I am 'the face of the site' and the creative control director.
w00t!
(hey, i remembered how to write html, cool)
ATTN BAD-ASS PUNK ROCK CUNT LOVIN' HOT GIRLS I KNOW: Model with me! You won't get fucked over, cuz I'm in charge of making sure that you don't, and you know I'll kill a man before I let you get exploited.
email my stage name email adress and i'll send ya an application
lysi@sinfulheavenlygirls.com
um, besides that, i'm doing alot of modeling, i'm still on methadone. i got part of a 1/2 sleeve done and its being finished on the 30th. you can kinda see it in that video. things are going okay with joel, not as bad as they have been. my sea monkeys are ridiculously huge. i miss california with the sickness of a stab wound. apparently it's very uncool to miss california like that. whatev. i haven't done heroin in something like two months. i want to get out and go far away from here. it's so cold, something like negative six today, plus windchill. i miss alot of you, some of you make me really sick though. i'm sure you can figure out into which categorie you fall.
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[25 Dec 2008|03:55pm] |
it is christmas day. me and joel actually went to the family dinner thing at my moms house. i am meeting his grandparents tomorrow and i think his mom is coming up after them. fucking stressed out.
i'm getting ready to start a phlebotomy course.
i plan on getting involved in modeling once i get a computer and the internet so i can set up a portfolio.
nothing much is going on.
i'm disgusted with the majority of the people i know and used to be friends with.
i miss a couple of people, namely those of you who are still on this friends list.
mostly i feel like being left alone with my boyfriend and watching House marathons.
i'm taking a break. and that's nice for a change.
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[08 Sep 2008|03:21am] |
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Feel as if the damage is irreparable. No one has the resources to help me. All of u kno a part of it. No one knos all of it. And its bad enough to make me too scared to try and fix it. And theres nowhere to run away too. I kno ur all sick of this and im sorry. I wish i hadnt let it get this bad. But thats what i do. I push too hard thinking it wont break... And this time it did.
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[01 Sep 2008|09:36am] |
moving into a new apartment today with joel and spoon
we have a one year lease so hopefully this sort of forced stability will allow me to get some shit straightened out
i'm really angry with myself for not being at the rnc right now but joel and my mom told me i couldn't go. obviously i should have gone anyways. i suck.
i'm getting my settlement from my accident sometime this month, should be something like 20,000 which is a curse and i almost wish it wasn't happening, tho i am excited, i doubt i'll put it to any good use, its not enough money to invest but alot of fucking money to spend immediately
had a weird dream last night, as usual
i was traveling thru the desert and a bus pulled up to give me a ride, on the bus were a bunch of people and they all were scared because the driver was behind a partition and wouldnt say where we were going. it took us to some sort of military compound slash torture chamber (think cube or hostel) where we were, as you might imagine, tortured. it was mostly mental. i got out but i was still on some kind of strict military probation, it was like being in college. i went to a party at this guy Enders' apartment. we sat on his living room floor watching tv and me and this girl christie were doing lines of coke. i didnt know her she just picked me out of the group and offered. i went to see the principal to ask how i could get out and be free. he set me up as a sentinel outside of my high school. i would stand there all day in the rain. people would stare at me, try to shoot me, and the principal was standing at his doorway across the street watching. two new orleans police officers with mardi gras beads on came and threw me against the wall, tried to arrest me, but a man with a gun made them stop. i knew if i moved i would be killed. i wasn't getting paid enough to do it. the principal was in love with me for my body. i finally got out but only because he wanted to have sex with me. another bus took me to a truck stop in the desert, people were sitting around at picnic tables. i saw a bunch of older traveling kids i know through joel, they were at tables. some of my friends from mew orleans and portland, OR were there too but we were all standing up against the side of the building. we were talking about being tortured and how we got out. one girl from the table with full facial tats told us to shut the fuck up. i realized that they had never given me my gear back and wondered how i was going to get a sleeping bag for that night.
thinking about taking classes at the college again, photography. i need to get another job. want to get into the poetry slam season here but i feel inadequete. havent written anything in a long time. i try to write about things i've been through these past two years and i can't think of any words to describe it. you can't make poetry out of heroin i guess and thats about all i've been doing. i can't even think about some of the fucked up shit i've done. it's disgusting. it's not me. thinking i should get into some sort of group therapy just so i can talk to people who understand. see how they deal with guilt like this.
so i'm trying. i have alot to make up to alot of people. but i need to actually change before i try and apologize because i don't like saying i'm sorry more than once for the same thing.
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[31 Aug 2008|07:09pm] |
i know i know i know
my values are all fucked up and out of sorts
and i am a terrible friend
and i don't care anymore
can't make myself care
today is the first day that i've missed my friends
but i've lost so many
and my cat just died
and i miss who i used to be
isn't that hillarious?
it's annoying thinking like this.
you know whats a little fucked up of me? i blame my boyfriend for alot of this. i've been seeing joel on and off for a little under a year and i see a huge change in myself. like a really bad change. i'm way more timid, unsure of myself, i'm a junkie (tho its been better lately, tho im sure thats gonna change when i get my settlement in a couple of weeks), i'm meaner, have no empathy... i can't blame it all on him. i can blame alot of it on heroin. and alot of it on all that crack i smoked in san francisco (for serious.)
i don't know. i guess this is an apology.
i've been a real dick to a bunch of you.
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[25 Jul 2008|05:01pm] |
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i have no idea what i want to do anymore
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[25 Jun 2008|12:36pm] |
i'm back in portland, maine.
in fact i am getting a place and moving here for a little while. if anyones still here, please call me so i can be a little less bored.
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[06 Feb 2008|06:07pm] |
yea so i know yer all sick of hearing about how much im fucking up
but im fucking up
in SF right now.
hafta go.
more later.
love.
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[18 Dec 2007|12:43pm] |
i'm in portland oregon.
joel sent me a message to call him. i'm going to. but i think he's going to be mean to me. i think i need to get out of the library and face humanity. aaaargh. got adopted last nite.
um.
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[13 Dec 2007|05:07pm] |
so uh, i'm in petaluma
dont know really where the fuck that is besides its in california
shit is really fucked up right now, to the point where i dont want to really do anything, and i cant think of anything to do, i just want to get high, i just want to sleep
i'm really fucked up still over the shit in new orleans, i really liked that guy, my job, my squat, etc... and it all fell apart, as fucking usual but im getting sick of everything working out that way
and all of my old friends are spread out over the country doing their own shit, being happy for the most part, i am by myself again in an area i know absolutely nothing about, i dont have a clue where i'm going, and i can't think of anywhere i want to go
not speaking to my mom, she told me not to come home for christmas and that she wasnt sending me anything
i was travelin with these kids but i just ditched them for no reason
on a good note, i finally got to see wynd when i was in berkely, that was neat
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[07 Dec 2007|09:07am] |
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so um i left new orleans because this girl who moved in with me was being a cunt and trying to strong arm me out of my fucking trailer. had to quit my awesome job, the nite before i left was pretty fucking depressing. i tried to fall out by shooting half a 50 bag when i was already drunk but i am actually impossible to kill. then i just wanted joel to stay with me but he wouldnt for some reason, we just went and fucked at the wall, which was cool but i really just wanted to sleep next to him. i knew i was going to leave already at that point. too much bullshit. i regret it now because mostly i really liked my job. i'm in the san francisco area right now. thinking i'm going to stick around for a bit because wynds here, spicers coming to san diego soon, and evangelines coming. i want to go to olympia and see zoe for christmas and see my sister justine in seattle too. talked to my mom yesterday and we kind of had a falling out. fuck her, she doesnt want me home for the holidays, then i want nothing to do with her. saw pepper yesterday she told me steveos in town. thats wierd. ive given up on wanting a relationship with anyone, its too much shit to deal with everytime i get feelings for someone cuz theyre always too fucked up to handle anything. i know its the people i choose but i cant help it if im not attracted to nice people. anyways, right now i'm having an ok time. i tripped the othr day that was pretty neat. um.... thinking about moving out to this coast, theres no reason not to, i dont have anything holding me anywhere at this point. yeah, thassit.
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